I know in two weeks, I am going to hate the title of this post, but it makes sense tonight and I guess that's all that matters.
This post is about helping us understand the meaning of "understanding" better. In my experiences, I have found that lots of time we think we understand what someone is going through, but we don't. Sometimes, not at all. Take any situation: a friend getting rejected or dumped, a parent's back pain, a professor's frustration with students handing assignments late, a coworker's stress and the list goes on; when we listen to them tell us their situation, we think we understand, but we don't, not past the surface.
Here's a typical scenario: someone tells us something that is bothering them. We listen and understand then suggest a solution to them. Soon enough, THEY are the ones that don't understand us. Why can't they do what I am telling them to fix the problem? The solution's right there!
It's taken me a while to figure out why this happens, it's not the other person, it's me: I don't understand what it means to understand. A part of me puts the blame on schools. Teachers have told me dozens of times over the years that "to be able to answer the question, you must understand it". Soon enough, that meant "to have the answer means I must have understood the question". Do you see the difference between the two statements? Look again, it's there.
To understand someone is to reach out to them in the same way they are reaching out to you. It's to dive into the pool of their troubles when they think they are alone. It's to figure out how they are feeling and trying to feel that. It's about becoming as vulnerable as they feel. Understanding should be hard because it's about voluntarily getting out of our comfort zones and stepping into someone else's world. It's not about what happened (the event), but how the other person experienced it. What did they see it as? What did it remind them of? How does it connect with who they are as a person? Note: not one of these questions is about the outcome, the solution or the next step.
We understand not only with our minds, but with our hearts and all our senses. We have to be willing to tear down the walls that separate us and make the other person feel alone. We have to be willing. Understanding is about courage and patience.
Understanding Change
I believe we can't change anyone in the slightest unless they want to. So, first, we must be willing to understand them and then we understand whether they want to change or not. If not, then trust me, understanding goes a long way towards helping the other person realize that they matter, they belong and that they are important.
But let's talk about change. Here's the DARN acronym that can help you spot "change talk". It helps you understand if the person is wanting / willing to change. In their words or actions, you may spot one or more of the following.
Desire (I want to, I wish, if only, etc)
Ability (I can, I could, etc)
Reason (I must, because, etc)
Need (I need to, etc)
These are signs that they want to change. Doesn't mean they will, but by trying to understanding why they want to change, we might be able to be more effective peers in their journeys.
So I ask do you understand?
Romil
This post is about helping us understand the meaning of "understanding" better. In my experiences, I have found that lots of time we think we understand what someone is going through, but we don't. Sometimes, not at all. Take any situation: a friend getting rejected or dumped, a parent's back pain, a professor's frustration with students handing assignments late, a coworker's stress and the list goes on; when we listen to them tell us their situation, we think we understand, but we don't, not past the surface.
Here's a typical scenario: someone tells us something that is bothering them. We listen and understand then suggest a solution to them. Soon enough, THEY are the ones that don't understand us. Why can't they do what I am telling them to fix the problem? The solution's right there!
It's taken me a while to figure out why this happens, it's not the other person, it's me: I don't understand what it means to understand. A part of me puts the blame on schools. Teachers have told me dozens of times over the years that "to be able to answer the question, you must understand it". Soon enough, that meant "to have the answer means I must have understood the question". Do you see the difference between the two statements? Look again, it's there.
To understand someone is to reach out to them in the same way they are reaching out to you. It's to dive into the pool of their troubles when they think they are alone. It's to figure out how they are feeling and trying to feel that. It's about becoming as vulnerable as they feel. Understanding should be hard because it's about voluntarily getting out of our comfort zones and stepping into someone else's world. It's not about what happened (the event), but how the other person experienced it. What did they see it as? What did it remind them of? How does it connect with who they are as a person? Note: not one of these questions is about the outcome, the solution or the next step.
We understand not only with our minds, but with our hearts and all our senses. We have to be willing to tear down the walls that separate us and make the other person feel alone. We have to be willing. Understanding is about courage and patience.
Understanding Change
I believe we can't change anyone in the slightest unless they want to. So, first, we must be willing to understand them and then we understand whether they want to change or not. If not, then trust me, understanding goes a long way towards helping the other person realize that they matter, they belong and that they are important.
But let's talk about change. Here's the DARN acronym that can help you spot "change talk". It helps you understand if the person is wanting / willing to change. In their words or actions, you may spot one or more of the following.
Desire (I want to, I wish, if only, etc)
Ability (I can, I could, etc)
Reason (I must, because, etc)
Need (I need to, etc)
These are signs that they want to change. Doesn't mean they will, but by trying to understanding why they want to change, we might be able to be more effective peers in their journeys.
So I ask do you understand?
Romil
